Wednesday, November 25, 2020
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Top Ten Possible Identities of BP’s “Mystery Plumber”

After over 80 days of active spilling of oil into the Gulf of Mexico, BP has finally been able to cap the leaking oil pipe. The reason why this was not accomplished earlier was because such a cap had never been designed for such a unique situation. However, rumors abound that a “mystery plumber” who helped to design the cap which now is apparently containing the leak while work on relief wells continues. But who was the “mystery plumber” and is he or she really a plumber? The top ten rumored identities of the BP mystery plumber are listed below.

  1. The Unabomber. Though still kept under high security in a maximum security prison, the former mathematics professor was told to come up with a way to fix the BP oil spill or else he would lose his television privileges. He apparently worked day and night so that he could catch reruns of “Lost”, his favorite television show.
  2. Al Gore. Apparently he worked as a plumber in a drain cleaning service, before getting into politics and was only to happy to help find a way to end the biggest environmental disaster of all time. Rumors are that he even divorced his wife Tipper so that he could focus on the project full time.

  3. Bill Gates. Though apparently he may not have invented the cap himself, he did hire over two thousand plumbers to work on the project, and offered a one thousand dollar reward for the winner. And even more of a motivating factor, the losers had to watch 40 hours of Steven Segal movies.
  4. Professor Brainard. The chemistry professor at Medfield College who invented “Flubber”, and who is an avid amateur plumber started working on his solution to the BP oil spill over a month ago. He pleased that his cap is working, but is worried that it won’t hold because it is only made out of “silly putty and wood glue, and of course a little bit of flubber.”
  5. Steve Jobs apparently worked on a next generation cap for the leaking pipe, which he calls the “iCap” and which was completed a week ago. Apparently the iCap can fit almost anything, from a peanut butter jar to a three foot wide sewer main, and can store up to 5,000 songs.
  6. Conan O’Brian, the long forgotten late night comedian who lost his job at the Tonight Show, was said to have been working on a special “Conan Cap” for the oil leak. This may be the device designed by him which also is designed to stop working after a couple months on the job, just like his stint on the Tonight Show.
  7. Retired man from the future, George Jetson who played a plumber from the future in the reality show “The Jetsons”, is rumored to have been working on such a device with his daughter Judy who is an engineering student at Baylor. Ironically, his son Elroy is being released from prison for drug addiction this weekend.
  8. Vice President Joe Biden is rumored to have accidentally invented the device after dropping a funnel and an “Etch-a-Sketch” into the toilet while working on next year’s federal budget. After plumbers tried for three hours to get the trapped devices out of a pipe, the vice president remarked, “that’s what they should be using to stop that oil spill thing.”
  9. Convicted conman Bernie Madoff allegedly designed the oil cap in exchange for release from prison and $2 billion dollars. Sources inside the prison, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that the smooth talker supposedly hired out the job to a convicted felon in exchange for a bowl of Cheerios. Victim advocates are outraged that Madoff has been released, even though his scheme has saved billions of dollars in clean up fees and lives of hundreds of dolphins.
  10. Rumors are flying in Manhattan that the same mysterious man who saved a woman who fell of a subway station platform over a year ago is the same person who designed the new BP oil cap free of charge. Has the modern day Batman returned, and what will he do next?

David Scott is the head writer at TRI PR. He better part of his college life as a journalist for the college magazine. He still writes and he loves it.